The Holy Month and Confusions about Normal

No matter how much I try to look behave or act normal something around the corner happens that makes me realize that I have bipolar disorder. I am more stable that I have ever been in my life time. Thanks to my doctor and the amazing support of my husband. Not only him my in laws and my parents have started to understand how hard it is and what bipolar is. They are kind enough to give me breaks from the regular family problem where my input is needed.

The thing that bothers me most is the medicines. I hate taking them. May be I hate them all together is because they tell me I cannot be normal without them. What is normal anyways? Why is being normal so important. Is it because the society pressures us to be more like them or is the physical need of the body? More importantly who defines normal, science or society?

On Saturday, I woke up with the migraine. I started having it during my sleep. I am cutting down Depakene from 500 to 250 mgs per day. Which I think has resulted is lack of sound sleep and more involvement in dreams. My main problem has been the dreams ever since I started the treatment. I have stopped having nightmares since the doctor put me on Prozasin. However, the lowered dose of Depakene is causing more dreams with my brain working all night along with them.

I wake up tired and lethargic. I do not want to do the house work or take care of my child. I just want thing to end so that I can sleep. I am not depressed per say, but I am not in an amazing mood either. So being not depressed and not elated is probably what normal is.

Normal sucks. Despite the efforts that I put into being normal, from being more mindful to taking a butt load of freaking medicines, I hate being it. I do not feel in me the drive to do amazing things that I was doing all the time I was med free. The ability to finish jobs in a snap. The joy of being able to manage 100 jobs at one time. The ecstasy that is hypo-mania!

As much as I know the advantages of being on medicine I cannot help feeling that way at times. I realize that medicines are necessary and normal is what is supposed to keep us functional. I make more effort than I ever had to stay that way and not leave the medication. I try to keep up with my routine. I also am trying to get spiritually better. I am trying to incorporate religion into my every day routine that has helped a great deal.

Now a days we are celebrating a holy month where we are supposed to fast from sunrise till the sunset. My medicines are adjusted in such a way that I can take them before I close the fast. I am dreading missing any of them because it will make my fasting so much harder as already I will be not eating anything all day.

What I have observed is that it has helped me a great deal. I am more in control of what I do and think. I am more resilient. May be that is because I am normal. It is may be because I have the ability to not be on one of the edges all the time. So this indeed is the other side of being normal, the good side, where I am able to be in charge.

I already wrote regarding confused about being normal. I am more confused than ever. Is it bad, is it good? Does it make me mediocre?  Does it make us more in charge? If yes, why do some of us really have to struggle to be normal?

Today is the second day of fasting and I have a whole month to go. Let’s see how I do but this experience has been spiritually enlightening. I am able to pray more times than I used to. I also realize the importance of food and how people who do not have it suffer. I have all the things around me and I still complain a lot. Fasting made me realize the pain of not having food to eat. This is all just so hard for people who are less privilege. I guess we never realize that living in our sub urban big homes.

Who would care about the whole theory of normal when they do not have stuff to eat all day. The same thing happened to me. Two days back I was full of the normal and not normal fuss and when I was fasting all I cared about was food and how I was feeling weak.

I guess all are complain are based on our window. The window through which we can see. The Holy month of fasting provides me an opportunity to look through someone else’s window. I sure hope it makes me more thankful for the things we have. And more closer to God than I ever was.

As much as I miss the hypo mania, as much as I am confused about normal all the times, fasting has made me more thankful for the things I have. I sure hope things get better as time passes and this religious experience makes me more happy and at peace.

 

 

I am NOT always Bipolar !

So the days have been quite confusing to me now. I don’t feel depressed but I don’t feel good at all, its a lot of confusion. I feel like a bit lost. I was thinking the other day how am I supposed to explain the things that irritate me and the things that are just bipolar related? Most important of all, how do I explain it to others. In my other post, I did write about how hard it was for me to explain that a reaction is not always logically thought of, it is just my brain going loony, but what about other things than my reactions? What about my feelings?

I do like taken care of and you know honestly with a brain like mine, care is needed. Do I need that care every time? I don’t think so. Sometimes I am actually mad at something. I am actually pissed off. Its not bipolar every time. It could be that I am a human with actual feelings and besides having this awful bipolar, I do “feel”something that is just perfectly called for. I have stopped trying to tell things that actually hurt or irritate me because I don’t want other to think that I am crazy. I just take it all inside me.

At times, I don’t need someone to come to me and ask if “Bipolar Zeph” is fine. I just need someone to ask if “Zeph” is fine. Zeph can be mad about something and not be all bipolar on it but she might be perfectly logical on it. Seems like being bipolar is too much, feels like it is becoming my identity.

As much as it is true for what happens to me, it is same for what I do. All my actions, good or bad; are not because I am bipolar. They are because I choose them. Sometimes I do good and awesome things in the day with out being hypo-maniac. At other times, I could be a bi***, not because I am bipolar-ly irritated, it’s because I am one.

I am not always bipolar. I don’t need to be asked again and again, if i am okay. Also, I need the care because when it is bipolar I need it the most. How do I tell if bipolar is being me or I am being myself?

The question I leave here is, being straight forward and admitting that you were a bi*** and other times stating your bipolar is acting up, the best solution to clear things up in a relationship? Or will I just mess it up?