I #Failed to Not be #Depressed !

Memorial Day weekend brings out a good gift for all of us. This amazing weather. The sun shining. The birds chirping. One of the most amazing things that have happened to me in my life is writing this blog. It gives me a chance to not only meet new people, but also a chance to read a lot about how other people struggle on in their life. I am able to pay thanks to God for keeping me alive and seeing how easy it is in my life compared to some.

This week I learnt that the only way to being closer to your baby is playing a lot. I always thought that due to my illness I should stay away from my baby. Because I did not trust myself to be around a little one and not harm him. Due to this I was feeling that my one year old is much closer to hubby than me. So hubby gave me an idea and I started working on it. Every day for some time I play with him. He loves to throw the ball again and again. I did it all this week and found that we were getting closer. He still doesn’t call me “mama”, which I would really like for him to do.

I realized that struggle is needed in every aspect of life. I work a little bit more with my son and he is getting close to me. In my illness I love to struggle. It’s like my mission or something. For quite some time now, I am experiencing a mental block. I don’t know if it is normal (the one society defines). It might be since I don’t feel a lot. I do know that I am a little cry baby now a days. Little things set me off and I cry. I really don’t know what is going on. I am also dwelling in the past, have a lower self esteem and looking to spend money and have junk food.

I think I am depressed, but hate to admit it. Part of it is because I am struggling really not to be. I work all day. I have different plans I work on. I am busy. Accepting that I am depressed for no reason at all seems like a losing point to me. It’s like all my struggle has been in vain and I failed. I don’t know if that is supposed to happens.

I am feeling really low on the inside, but trying to portray a really strong person on the outside. This ironic behavior is pulling me apart somehow. I did not feel like writing at all. I tried to study. I am enrolled in an online course and I am lagging behind. Every time I sign in to study I feel like sleeping. I do not want to fail there.

I don’t know if feeling all this is actually a failure. I have to deal with my illness and struggle. I hate it when it slips out of my hand. I know I need to let go but I hate feeling this way. I am lost yet I am here. Ironic, isn’t it.

How A Negative Vibe Turned Out to be True

I don’t feel like blogging at all these days. In fact I wanted to take it slow with my blog. However, I have to write this to get through the day otherwise my mind will go crazy. I am writing because my mind keep getting stuck on something going on with us now a days.

My previous landlady did not returned our deposit in the given time and now she is asking us to pay for the remodeling. As we moved in a hurry, she herself volunteered to get the cleaning done. It was a relief and we were happy at her understanding the situation. Now, after 3 months, she claims that the things were damaged and she needs a whole new bunch of things. Like for the knife marks on the slab, instead of changing the upper sheets, she wants us to pay for replacing the whole slab.

She is not asking us to pay for the regular wear and tear, instead she wants us to pay for the whole remodeling. Like a new bath tub, slab and a new stove. First up, she notified us after three months. On top of that she wants us to pay. To add more to that, she never has it professionally cleaned. I can not believe how bad she is behaving when we did not even ask for the claim within time limit (just being nice to her). She did not have that professionally cleaned and now she is accusing us. Instead of a repair work she is asking for a whole new stuff.

How negative vibes can be true, I had no idea. She seemed like a pretty nice lady. She is educated and works for a big ass fed agency. She would be nice like offering us to come over and have parties. I always politely declined. For no reason at all, I wanted to stay away from her. Every time we talked about her, it was like some one was placing a stone on my chest and closing it. And she is supposed to be a life coach. I mean how can she do this when her vibe is so awfully negative? Or is it just her and me?

I don’t know how true it can be, do vibes actually work that way? Now that I see her real face, I feel so relaxed and relieved that my feelings were so true. How can it be ? I have no idea honestly. She is not only being unreasonable but also takes up a threatening tone of a law suit or something.

Hubby was never able to see it. I always told her I get this awful feeling near her and he always said think positive. Oh, the positive person he is. Now the whole issue is stuck in my head. I know that a part of the whole thing legally goes in our favor. I am just concerned if she actually brings the law suit in this case.

This is not new, whenever I have this feeling for some one for no reason, it turns out to be true. I have no idea if this happens to someone else, or if this is an actual thing. However, it is most interesting how the mind works and how you can feel. And then turns out to be true, it a relaxation and a surprise as well.

I am trying to focus on a lot of thing instead of this but my brain keep going there. The part which is most intriguing is how a feeling, a vibe can be so true? The mysteries of the mind and heart are yet to be found. We are far far away from actually knowing how sometimes mysteries work. As I am trying to get more spiritual in my daily activities, the mysteries of heart befuddle me.

I hope and pray that things turn out just fine and we have to avoid all the courtroom dramas here. Still, whatever the consequence is I have no explanation of how a negative vibe can be so true. May be just another unsolved mystery of this life.