Restarting Your System

After a long time I woke up fresh today. I was not tired or grumpy, my mind was not all caught up in the dreams from previous night and neither did I want to go back to sleep. Although my muscles were a little sore from starting a new workout which I am probably going to incorporate into my routine. It was a great feeling. I was so much relaxed. Now I know what people mean when they say working out is great. Oh I was loving every bit of the circuit training. I hope I do lose some weight.

If you read my blog you probably know that a few weeks back I relapsed. I had a really bad downfall after progressing so much with bipolar. One thing that I came to realize in my struggle with bipolar is there is no way you will be able to sustain your achievement. The fall is inevitable. You are going to fall and fall hard at times. The fact is even after falling you don’t die. You are still alive and you have a life to live.

So what should I do? How should I cope up with a life where I put every ounce of courage that I have to achieve something and it all fails one day?

The answer is simple. Ever had a computer crash? I bet a million times. You restart yourself like you re start your computer. You get back on the horse and ride. Sitting there and crying over all the hard work gone down isn’t going to help.

Think of it like this, your hard work is not all gone. The amount of effort you put in your struggle, is like learning. It is experience. You can never lose that. It remains with you. When your system crashes, you take what knowledge you already have, strategize your new move and go ahead. Hold your chin up high and look into the eyes of the world and say “hello! I am back! “

I have been more focused now days. I do not think of myself as a person who crashed. I think of myself as a person who just re started. I have taken up circuit training which I plan to keep in my schedule, because let’s face it I cannot work out without a gym.

I also am going to see my shrink this Tuesday. I think it is very important to see your therapist. There are a lot of things that get sorted out when you get to talk. For me it always works. My two pre bipolar diagnosis years, were all good because I was seeing my therapist.

Most important of all, I am more than committed to taking my medicines and taking them on time. That sure will help me. Moreover, I am keeping a mood chart. That will be beneficial for my mood and tracking how and what factor effect my mood.

So if you ever feel like you just crashed hard, remember, we all have a restart button. No one else can push that for us. We all have to do it ourselves, for ourselves. It is very important to learn to love yourself and do what is the best possible thing for you. If you are a mom and wife like me, you know how much if affects people around you when you are sick.

On a side note, I am happy that my son has developed a love for reading. He brings his books to me in the morning and asks me to read it to him. I am very glad that. He still has anxiety but only from little kids. He cries every time he sees a kid his age. He is fine with adults.

I hope and pray that everyone who ever crashes, get the strength to rise back up again and better every time. Falling is seriously important to rise back up. Thanks for reading!

My “Cursed” Cup of Tea

In life there are many thing that you want to do but you never get to do them. For me, it has always been a peaceful cup of tea or coffee. I am one of those, who like to enjoy a cup of tea or coffee with a lot of time on hand. I need at least half an hour to finish a cup of tea that is how much I want to savor it. It never does happen like that. Why? I am not sure. What I am sure about is that my cup of tea is cursed.

Whenever I want to drink a nice warm cup of tea, something comes up. Like, my son who was deep asleep with wake up, out of no where he would decide he needs a diaper change at the exact same moment. If it’s not my son, I will need to take a very important call or something else. It’s like the universe knows that I want to drink that cup of tea.

When it is nothing and every thing is fine, it is just me and hubby enjoying a cup of tea, I seem to take much longer to finish my tea. He is done by the time I am half way through. The same thing happened on my trip back home. All the people seemed to be finished and I was still drinking my tea. That got me thinking, is it the curse or is it me? Is it me who is so slow that time passes by, and when it has passed all I could do is complain or call my short comings a curse? Is it just me or us humans have a tendency to find thing to blame our short comings on? Lets see what humans do…

Taking my own example, I wanted to analyse the situation. It could be three possibilities. It could be that the tea is extremely hot to drink, or that I am a slow drinker. It could also be that the tea time is cursed or it could be nothing. So for any failures recurring in our life there could be multiple possibilities but why do we as human choose the one, that exempts us from all the responsibility?

Calling the cup of tea cursed makes me free. I don’t have to work on the timings, or realize may be I am so slow that other people are done. When in life we are stuck in situations where we lag behind, we would rather have some one or some thing else take the blame for us. This gives us a good excuse. We tell ourselves that we tried all we could and there is something super natural causing all of this failure.

The fact of the matter is that there is nothing super natural. It is all a huge set of rational reasoning. There is always a reason as to why we lag behind in something that we do. We just do not want to admit it because it is hard and painful to admit. If we admit where the fault is, we have to do two painful things. First, we have to admit that there is something needed to be done and we haven’t done it. The other one is the effort needed to do it. Both of these thing are painful. Humans want to avoid both: admitting their faults and doing effort to fix things. Human like it short and easy.

So, today I decided I am going to analyse my life. Instead of calling my cup of tea cursed I am going to try to find out where the problem lies. Where in my life am I wrong. I am tired of making plans and constantly leaving stuff in between.

I do realize I have bipolar and it is responsible for what has been happening like not being able to complete tasks and plans I had. However I DO NOT want bipolar to be my “curse”, I want to find out what else is there to change. Is it my attitude towards life, is it my flawed plans or is it just that I expect too much to happen too fast.

I have no answer but I have made a decision, instead of whining about the things, I am going to do something about it. Life will throw a bunch of crap at you. You can not always blame it or find other things to blame. Just think ! Get up look into the eyes of the world and “struggle”. You are brave !