Bipolar- A relief

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, BPD and PTSD on March 17^th, 2014. Oh, like I did not know that. Like I did not know that there was something wrong with me. There were a bunch of things always going wrong with my attitude. Ranging sudden over-reaction to a simple argument to try to run away from my family, my attitude had made me the bad guy.

I tried all in my power to not be that way. I started therapy in 2011. My therapist was one of the amazing people I have ever known. She really helped me through this awful path of life. I was doing so well until Post Partum. Long story short, I was diagnosed with Bipolar type II 11 months PP. Oh what a relief!

Right, it was a relief. It was like someone has taken a big mountain off my chest. I started reading about bipolar a few weeks before I was diagnosed and I was kind of hoping that may be there it was-the answer. Bipolar for me has not been a curse. It has been that kind gentle blessing that answered all the questions I had about me.

I am not suggesting in any way the bipolar is a good thing. I know that for sure it is not. I live with it every day of my life. Ever since I was a little kid I had these moody occasions every now and then. I would make friends and leave them just like that. I would get angry at a little thing. I would have exponential reactions to a simple case of disagreeing with someone.

I was that rude bitch who did not like anyone. I wanted everything my way. It was always like “its my way or no way.” If it was not in accordance with what I really wanted it would be like “you are going to regret this.” This all was pretty easy to achieve since I was daddy’s little princess. Within a day my moods would swing from happy to sad.

My dad always stated that I could do whatever I wanted to only if I “tried harder.” I was trying harder. I was exceptional at whatever I did. Until of course, I hit the rock bottom, which I hit pretty much every now and then. My dad was always of the opinion that I lack the zeal and the enthusiasm to see things to the end. I had no way to explain when and how what went wrong with the awesome plan I had.

I had a high self esteem. I felt confident, so much confident that I did not need anyone’s opinion on anything. And, then the self esteem would hit a real low. From having delusion of grandeur to becoming the ugly duckling, it was all that was in my life. Life was up and down and up and down.

The diagnosis was a relief. I am so happy to be on treatment and taking the medication. It finally answers a million questions about me, my personality and my short comings. I am finally able to “focus.” I can channel my energy and my brain power in a better way.

Except for the hypomania, I do not have these grand ideas about me. I take small, very small steps at a time. Even in hypomania I try my best to take a back seat. I am much aware of all my states and I know exactly what to do and when to do.

At least now the reactions are not that exponential every time. Now I don’t think I am an ugly duckling. I also don’t think I am some queen of Sheba. I think I am a normal human being with a purpose. I am not over confident, I am not under confident. I am just confident.

You are with me, every breath I take. You made it hard for me to live now I will make it harder for you to live. Dear bipolar, you are the worst thing that happened to me and you are the best thing that happened to me. Thanks for being there, now I am going to fight you and win. How can you be all good and bad at the same time? Well you know better, you are Bipolar!

In control of mania; may be NOT !

I am very much aware these days that I am in a manic state. I love it ! It gives me the high needed but like the end of a mania the results are awful. That is what I feared when I, for the first time, realized that I was in a manic state.

Manic state is euphoric, it is the high, You feel at the top of the world. It is like all the world abides by you. You can do whatever you want. You get the ideas that you would never get in a normal state. Oh ! the normal state. Something I haven’t been able to define and I will be needing a whole new article for that one.

I have Bipolar and it makes me good when I am in a manic state of the illness. The things I can get done ! I was able to pack my whole apartment, which the exception of a little few details, in just one day. No not 24 hours. Just may b 7-8 hours. Oh I was having fun with the working. I worked to the point where my body actually gave up. The result was extreme hunger. I had 4+ meals in the day because I was so so hungry.

The day before yesterday I was in control of the mania. I was able to recognize that I am doing too much and my brain is not stopping and the voices are telling me to keep on going. Somehow, I was able to stop myself, get a break and sit down and relax. Latuda is to be given the credit for this, along with Depakene, which helped me sleep better at night.

So, yesterday, by the night-time, I was so exhausted and drained, that I started getting extremely erratic. The voices kept coming in and the brain was calculating a hell lot. Stuff like how to pack to decorating the whole house and how to slap X. Seriously ! I needed it to stop but it would not.

The day before I was just fine, in control, I don’t know what happened. I had a bad sleep. My husband says I was sound asleep. However, I know that I was having nightmares. I have nightmares every day consistently, but I woke up fresh. Today I woke up like a zombie. My brain was working during the night mares.

A few days back I was in control of how my brain work and I lost it again. I don’t know when or how I will be able to manage the manic state. I thought I did, but I guess every day is not my day…

 

What I want to do and what I actually do

I want to wear a turquoise sleeveless top with a white skirt and matching bangles. I want slippers in my feet and open hair. I want to walk as light as the air is. I want to feel the breeze in my hair and take it in. I wanna run more free than the breeze itself.

What I actually do, I actually sit in this black and white trouser and t-shirt with a frown for jewelry feeling trapped inside my own body. As if someone is trying to strangle me. Unable to move a muscle, unable to feel a thing. 

Funny, what I want is easy as anything, what I actually do sounds so hard. For me, what I want to do is so much harder. I feel like a someone just sentenced me to jail. 

The worst part is, I was in a manic state trying to do what ever I can to make myself feel good and took some amazing Photos. Guess what, still feel crappy.

I do live the easy happy life. I wish to not be miserable. I wish to cry so hard every time I smile. I wish to not fall down so bad after climbing. I wish to feel normal…