Slow Dripping Depression

I woke up at 7 am today instead of 8:30. Hubby and baby are still asleep. Something has been bothering me since last night and I can not put my finger on it. Something is sad and I don’t know what it is. May be it is just my depression taking a turn. It is not like I am severely depressed. For me depression is slow dripping. Like coffee slowly drips into the carafe, depression is somehow slowly dripping in my soul. It is not full blown.

My doctor changed my medicine two days back. Now I am taking 2 SNRIs in the morning and afternoon. The side effects include shaking and trembling, which are worse for me. By the time one tablet’s side effect go away, it’s time for the other one. After spending the whole day shaking, I was quite depressed. It was like somehow the intense hope I always had in me, was vanishing.

As I was sitting with my husband on the couch watching TV, I realized that this is my life. I am always going to be on medicine. They might be less, they might be more but I will be needing them to function normally. The struggle is going to be harder and harder. I am not going to leave the treatment but I am ready to spend my days with side effect of medicines.

I know that side effects go away with time. I also know that for some, medicines free time comes as well. But how do I know for sure when will it be my time? Will I ever be able to get off these meds? What if I do get off medicines I one day might go into relapse.

With a wandering mind I went to bed. I couldn’t help but cry. I cried like a small baby. I for the first time realized that I was sick. No matter how much I tried to stay positive, I was a person who need medication just to function. Is that not sick? Ever since my diagnosis I have been telling myself it is a good thing that I got diagnosed. As the medicines increase my feeling of being in a “mental illness” is also increasing.

I have been reading a study these days done at “Oxford University” that mentally ill people have shorter life expectancy (10 to 20 years) than smokers. I know it is a study and I am not sure if it is entirely true. I just wonder even if we have a longer or a normal life span, what sort of life would be? The constant fight! A struggle to be okay. A life in which we need a bunch of medicines just to call it a day. A life where our relationship are depenedent upon the way our brain decides to work and not what our heart wants. All of a sudden climbing high up on the top of a mountain and falling down with a full force.

For the end, I have nothing to write. Nothing to say. What I can hear in my head after writing all of this is a deep long silence.

 

 

Bipolar- A relief

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II, BPD and PTSD on March 17^th, 2014. Oh, like I did not know that. Like I did not know that there was something wrong with me. There were a bunch of things always going wrong with my attitude. Ranging sudden over-reaction to a simple argument to try to run away from my family, my attitude had made me the bad guy.

I tried all in my power to not be that way. I started therapy in 2011. My therapist was one of the amazing people I have ever known. She really helped me through this awful path of life. I was doing so well until Post Partum. Long story short, I was diagnosed with Bipolar type II 11 months PP. Oh what a relief!

Right, it was a relief. It was like someone has taken a big mountain off my chest. I started reading about bipolar a few weeks before I was diagnosed and I was kind of hoping that may be there it was-the answer. Bipolar for me has not been a curse. It has been that kind gentle blessing that answered all the questions I had about me.

I am not suggesting in any way the bipolar is a good thing. I know that for sure it is not. I live with it every day of my life. Ever since I was a little kid I had these moody occasions every now and then. I would make friends and leave them just like that. I would get angry at a little thing. I would have exponential reactions to a simple case of disagreeing with someone.

I was that rude bitch who did not like anyone. I wanted everything my way. It was always like “its my way or no way.” If it was not in accordance with what I really wanted it would be like “you are going to regret this.” This all was pretty easy to achieve since I was daddy’s little princess. Within a day my moods would swing from happy to sad.

My dad always stated that I could do whatever I wanted to only if I “tried harder.” I was trying harder. I was exceptional at whatever I did. Until of course, I hit the rock bottom, which I hit pretty much every now and then. My dad was always of the opinion that I lack the zeal and the enthusiasm to see things to the end. I had no way to explain when and how what went wrong with the awesome plan I had.

I had a high self esteem. I felt confident, so much confident that I did not need anyone’s opinion on anything. And, then the self esteem would hit a real low. From having delusion of grandeur to becoming the ugly duckling, it was all that was in my life. Life was up and down and up and down.

The diagnosis was a relief. I am so happy to be on treatment and taking the medication. It finally answers a million questions about me, my personality and my short comings. I am finally able to “focus.” I can channel my energy and my brain power in a better way.

Except for the hypomania, I do not have these grand ideas about me. I take small, very small steps at a time. Even in hypomania I try my best to take a back seat. I am much aware of all my states and I know exactly what to do and when to do.

At least now the reactions are not that exponential every time. Now I don’t think I am an ugly duckling. I also don’t think I am some queen of Sheba. I think I am a normal human being with a purpose. I am not over confident, I am not under confident. I am just confident.

You are with me, every breath I take. You made it hard for me to live now I will make it harder for you to live. Dear bipolar, you are the worst thing that happened to me and you are the best thing that happened to me. Thanks for being there, now I am going to fight you and win. How can you be all good and bad at the same time? Well you know better, you are Bipolar!