Memorial Day weekend brings out a good gift for all of us. This amazing weather. The sun shining. The birds chirping. One of the most amazing things that have happened to me in my life is writing this blog. It gives me a chance to not only meet new people, but also a chance to read a lot about how other people struggle on in their life. I am able to pay thanks to God for keeping me alive and seeing how easy it is in my life compared to some.
This week I learnt that the only way to being closer to your baby is playing a lot. I always thought that due to my illness I should stay away from my baby. Because I did not trust myself to be around a little one and not harm him. Due to this I was feeling that my one year old is much closer to hubby than me. So hubby gave me an idea and I started working on it. Every day for some time I play with him. He loves to throw the ball again and again. I did it all this week and found that we were getting closer. He still doesn’t call me “mama”, which I would really like for him to do.
I realized that struggle is needed in every aspect of life. I work a little bit more with my son and he is getting close to me. In my illness I love to struggle. It’s like my mission or something. For quite some time now, I am experiencing a mental block. I don’t know if it is normal (the one society defines). It might be since I don’t feel a lot. I do know that I am a little cry baby now a days. Little things set me off and I cry. I really don’t know what is going on. I am also dwelling in the past, have a lower self esteem and looking to spend money and have junk food.
I think I am depressed, but hate to admit it. Part of it is because I am struggling really not to be. I work all day. I have different plans I work on. I am busy. Accepting that I am depressed for no reason at all seems like a losing point to me. It’s like all my struggle has been in vain and I failed. I don’t know if that is supposed to happens.
I am feeling really low on the inside, but trying to portray a really strong person on the outside. This ironic behavior is pulling me apart somehow. I did not feel like writing at all. I tried to study. I am enrolled in an online course and I am lagging behind. Every time I sign in to study I feel like sleeping. I do not want to fail there.
I don’t know if feeling all this is actually a failure. I have to deal with my illness and struggle. I hate it when it slips out of my hand. I know I need to let go but I hate feeling this way. I am lost yet I am here. Ironic, isn’t it.
Struggles of a Bipolar Woman 