I Crashed Hard

 

I recently bought this magnet for my refrigerator from Barnes and Nobel. When I read this it was as if someone had gotten into my head and wrote this for me. Now I have it on my refrigerator to keep reminding me that no matter how hard you crash, the real courage is in getting up and believing yourself.

In my previous posts I have been writing about how I was reducing my Depkene and doing fasting for the Holy month. At the start of the month I thought I would not be able to fast. However, upon consulting with my doctor, it turned out there was no harm in trying as most of my medications were during the night. Oh boy was I wrong!

On Thursday, I woke up at 9:00 am to start my day. I was feeling not particularly elated or depressed. I had a good night sleep in a long time. I made my son breakfast and said good bye to my husband. Then I resumed my regular activities. At around 10:30, my son takes a nap. So I took him upstairs for his nap. He initially start to drift off but eventually decided to not sleep. It is not a big thing if u see it in retrospect but I was furious. It was like someone has ignited a fire inside me. In order to not harm my baby, I decided to play with him.

So, I begin to teach him how to walk with a walker I recently bought him. I don’t know why he is scared of it. Upon trying 3-4 times, he started to get irritated and was not willing to learn. Till today I have no idea what went so wrong inside my head, I shouted at the poor thing so hard that he began to cry loudly.

I went to my couch, sat over there, red in fury. My brain was exploding with all sorts of thought. I started thinking that we had made a mistake giving birth to this baby. I was thinking I should have stayed back home where things are easy and we get maids to do all our work for us. Suddenly (TRIGGER ALERT!) I thought maybe all of this would be solved if I was not here. I started imaging hitting myself with a knife and how my death would solve all of the problems. I went to kitchen and took a chef’s kinfe and place my palm around it. But I couldn’t. No matter how much I wanted to I couldn’t do it.

I started crying hard. I started dialing my husband’s number. One time, two times, three times and then what felt like a million times and no reply! I decided to call my doctor. I talked to the nurse and told her I was suicidal and was thinking of harming the baby. She told me to stay calm and promise not to hurt myself and my baby and also to get hold of my husband. She will call me back once the doctor comes back from his lunch break.

I started dialing again and again but no reply. It was like he wasn’t going to pick up ever. As soon as I started dialing his office number I got his call. I picked up and started crying and wailing and telling him to come home ASAP cz I don’t wanna do the things I am thinking about.

Fifteen minutes passed and the poor thing was home. I saw him and started crying uncontrollably. Telling him what happened and how bad I was for thinking and doing all of this but I did not know what to do or who to tell. He hugged me hard and told me it was all ok. I did not do anything wrong and infact I did the right thing by calling him and the doctor.

So he asked me to get dressed and get out of the home. He took me to dunkin donuts, for a lunch and coffee. During the way I was getting more and more calm and he was talking to me and I was crying and doing some talking. I was so disoriented I did not know which way was which.

My doctor called when he was back and told me to immediately take one Depkene and switched it back to 500 mgs. Also my effexor was switched to 100 mg back instead of the new 75 mgs.

Turns out fasting along with a medication change is a bad combination. I was fasting and was withdrawing certain amount of medicines.  What I was most scared of was going to the ER. Thanks to my husband in time arrival, that was not needed. I did not go home for some hours then. He did not let me drive or anything but was taking me any place I would ask.

I came back home awfully tired. It was like my brain was sore and exhausted. I did not work all day. All I did was sitting around and watch TV. I was in pain from the events that had happened all day. I was shocked and disappointed.

I worked so hard for my treatment. I had no idea something so simple can cause such a big relapse. I was not this suicidal even when I was un treated for the disease. I think this is how life is. This is what I learnt. Courage is not about doing a struggle one time. It is about falling and getting up and keep getting up despite the fall.

I crashed hard, too hard. I have no idea if I will recover but I am determined. I had no idea this would happen and like this! I love my son, I love my life. I don’t know what went wrong. It was just a bad combination of not eating and medicine change. Anyways I am not fasting any more. M trying to take it slow and trying to get back on the horse.

Hope everything will be back to normal.

The Holy Month and Confusions about Normal

No matter how much I try to look behave or act normal something around the corner happens that makes me realize that I have bipolar disorder. I am more stable that I have ever been in my life time. Thanks to my doctor and the amazing support of my husband. Not only him my in laws and my parents have started to understand how hard it is and what bipolar is. They are kind enough to give me breaks from the regular family problem where my input is needed.

The thing that bothers me most is the medicines. I hate taking them. May be I hate them all together is because they tell me I cannot be normal without them. What is normal anyways? Why is being normal so important. Is it because the society pressures us to be more like them or is the physical need of the body? More importantly who defines normal, science or society?

On Saturday, I woke up with the migraine. I started having it during my sleep. I am cutting down Depakene from 500 to 250 mgs per day. Which I think has resulted is lack of sound sleep and more involvement in dreams. My main problem has been the dreams ever since I started the treatment. I have stopped having nightmares since the doctor put me on Prozasin. However, the lowered dose of Depakene is causing more dreams with my brain working all night along with them.

I wake up tired and lethargic. I do not want to do the house work or take care of my child. I just want thing to end so that I can sleep. I am not depressed per say, but I am not in an amazing mood either. So being not depressed and not elated is probably what normal is.

Normal sucks. Despite the efforts that I put into being normal, from being more mindful to taking a butt load of freaking medicines, I hate being it. I do not feel in me the drive to do amazing things that I was doing all the time I was med free. The ability to finish jobs in a snap. The joy of being able to manage 100 jobs at one time. The ecstasy that is hypo-mania!

As much as I know the advantages of being on medicine I cannot help feeling that way at times. I realize that medicines are necessary and normal is what is supposed to keep us functional. I make more effort than I ever had to stay that way and not leave the medication. I try to keep up with my routine. I also am trying to get spiritually better. I am trying to incorporate religion into my every day routine that has helped a great deal.

Now a days we are celebrating a holy month where we are supposed to fast from sunrise till the sunset. My medicines are adjusted in such a way that I can take them before I close the fast. I am dreading missing any of them because it will make my fasting so much harder as already I will be not eating anything all day.

What I have observed is that it has helped me a great deal. I am more in control of what I do and think. I am more resilient. May be that is because I am normal. It is may be because I have the ability to not be on one of the edges all the time. So this indeed is the other side of being normal, the good side, where I am able to be in charge.

I already wrote regarding confused about being normal. I am more confused than ever. Is it bad, is it good? Does it make me mediocre?  Does it make us more in charge? If yes, why do some of us really have to struggle to be normal?

Today is the second day of fasting and I have a whole month to go. Let’s see how I do but this experience has been spiritually enlightening. I am able to pray more times than I used to. I also realize the importance of food and how people who do not have it suffer. I have all the things around me and I still complain a lot. Fasting made me realize the pain of not having food to eat. This is all just so hard for people who are less privilege. I guess we never realize that living in our sub urban big homes.

Who would care about the whole theory of normal when they do not have stuff to eat all day. The same thing happened to me. Two days back I was full of the normal and not normal fuss and when I was fasting all I cared about was food and how I was feeling weak.

I guess all are complain are based on our window. The window through which we can see. The Holy month of fasting provides me an opportunity to look through someone else’s window. I sure hope it makes me more thankful for the things we have. And more closer to God than I ever was.

As much as I miss the hypo mania, as much as I am confused about normal all the times, fasting has made me more thankful for the things I have. I sure hope things get better as time passes and this religious experience makes me more happy and at peace.