Life seems to be getting better. My husband is happy with it and says that he is finally feeling relaxed. I kept the poor man hanging for a year now. The “postpartum bipolar year”. Yesterday while looking at my sons pics from last year I realized how much of the cooing and little baby things I missed. I did video captured all of those moments but I don’t in particular remember any of them, Thank God I have them on video. I just remembering too much pain from the last year. I feel like a guilty mother who was unstable and did not have the ability to love her new-born. I remember how I hated the poor little angel. I feel so sorry for him.
I feel like saying this, although, it sounds so cruel; I made a mistake for him. I had no idea it would go that bad for the new-born, While I am dwelling in the past, I forget to see the present. I forget to see a one year old beautiful boy growing day by day. This is what is the present and the truth. However, I am completely unable to come out of it. I know it is useless to stay in past, but I want to. It is painful and it was hard and I can not change it. I just wished I had gone to a psychiatrist sooner.
I highly doubts an OB/GYN’s ability to refer you to a doctor. I hope she would have. I started treatment 7 months PP. The treatment was wrong. The diagnosis was wrong. It was never uni-polar. I got my correct diagnosis 11 months PP. Oh, how I wish I was sane enough to go to a doctor in time. Poor baby.
Yesterday, I asked my lil one as a joke what is he getting me for mother’s day? Why should he really. After all what did I do so good to deserve a gift. I was unable to breast feed him, I used to scream when I couldn’t figure out why my sick baby was crying. I was thinking I made a mistake having him.
Yah, I tried. I tried to connect and connected fine at the end but it will never bring back what was supposed to be a nice mommy son time. I missed my baby ! Did I do this? Did bipolar do this? How to you really separate. How do you separate yourself. Do I have bipolar or does bipolar have me? I started saying I have bipolar after reading this post by Dyane.
Now, I sometimes still get confused about the terms. Oh I need a whole other post to write about how terrible wife I was/am. I almost ruined the guy. The least I could do is the effort. Effort to stick to the treatment, Oh past, will you please leave me. Past is the reason I am in this place, yet, I sometimes still dwell there…
Struggles of a Bipolar Woman 