The sun was shining bright and I was still gloomy. I had a nice weekend. We got some new furniture for our new home. It was nice spending most of the weekend trying to assemble it. I and hubby had fun doing it. Also, the change in my medication was affecting my working. I was feeling drowsy and low at times. So for a second opinion I contacted my cousin who is also a psychiatrist and asked his opinion on the medicines.
After a lot of discussion, turns out one of the biggest concerns he has with my health is my weight gain. According to him and my doctor my weight gain is because of the medicines I am taking. I have gained about 20 pounds in the last three months. Yes that is a hell lot of weight gain and an added trigger to my depression.
I have always been somewhat chubby. I was never a skinny woman and never liked being one. I hate it when I gain weight. I always start questioning my image. I never feel good about myself. I hate it that the medicines are causing a lot of hunger and I find myself at the side of fridge or stove after some time. The morning trip to the scale adds to my depression. I cannot seem to be able to control the hunger or the weight.
So first thing I did is that I have stopped eating junk. That should be able to help. Second I have a plan to walk at least three days a week. That is a start. I am also planning to buy a treadmill. I do not see that really in the near future. But let’s see what I do.
So yesterday I decided to take a walk. The sun was so bright, shining bright on my gloomy face. With my little one in my stroller, I was trying to walk through the pain in my legs because of not exercising enough. After a mile of walk, I came back to the play area near my home. I saw all three swings occupied. There was a woman who was pushing all three of them.
Upon getting closer I saw she had one more baby tied to her. It was a 5 weeks old. All four of them were her babies. I was surprised to see that. I cannot deal with just one how come she has 4. And the youngest one only 5 weeks old and she is out here enjoying herself. I was amazed, inside my head I praised her motherhood like a million times already. Not only that I envied here right there and then and thought why couldn’t I be more like her?
After chit chat it turned out she never had post partum depression with any one of hers. Oh lucky she is. After seeing her I immediately started questioning myself. My motherhood. My ability to be a good normal human being. But then when I learned she never has PPD (and in my case PP bipolar) I was kind of happy with myself.
The thing is we should give ourselves credit for what we have achieved. The worst part is that we at times judge ourselves from someone else’s window. She might have her own struggles which I am unaware of. Her struggles are hers and so are mine.
I have come a long way. From the horrific PPD where I started hating everything and everyone around me to taking long walks in the evening, loving my kid, fighting with bipolar, starting my blog, doing an online course, re-decorating the home and being a good wife.
Yes I have hit many bumps on the way. From the depression to weight gain and what not. But I was never the person who was not doing anything about it. I am the person who refused to sit there and complaint about life. I am the person who got off her butt and fought with her life.
So from now on whether it is my weight, my illness, my work, my home or my family, I am going to appreciate myself. After all I always beat myself up when I do wrong. Why not appreciate me. We sometimes need to give our self some credit. I am not going to always be critical on me. I am sometimes going to let me go and have fun. Appreciate me and grow.
We need to learn to give ourselves credit for what we have done well. That does not mean we need to not be critical. When both appreciation and criticism when go hand in hand, it always makes a better person.
photo credit: http://www.keepcalmandposters.com/posters/36919.png
Struggles of a Bipolar Woman 